Contrary to my often cynical outward persona, I love the holidays. The way people come together, the decor, the palpable magic in the air. What I don’t love is the music. That isn’t to say that there isn’t great Christmas music out there, because there is. Some of the most beautiful music ever has been composed to commemorate the birth of Christ, and the modern observance of the holiday has provided us with tons of warm-hearted, nostalgic chestnuts.

Yet I cannot stand modern, commercial Christmas music. It’s the complete opposite of anything tasteful, tuneful, engaging, or even fun.

This morning, as my family got ready to go to Christmas Eve brunch, my mother turned on the Christmas music channel on her streaming service. What began to blair out of the television speakers? Some obnoxious track by Rob Stewart and CeeLo Green. What do they have in common? Do they even know each other? I’ll tell you what happened – some record executive wanted to make a Christmas single, so a songwriter wrong a nondescript, faux-joyous earsoar, slapped CeeLo (one of the hip-hop/R&B stars with seemingly the least concerns of credibility), then carted in Rod Stewart to duet and bridge the gap between people old enough to remember that Stewart was in the Faces and everyone else. Then slather it in the most garish synthesizers, anonymous choir vocals, and the ubiquitous jingle bells. There was not one aspect of the song that was pleasing to me, or even evoked the feeling of Christmas. But it TOLD me it was a Christmas song, and I should be happy about it.

Next up came a new song by Elton John, wishing all of us a merry Christmas. Who is this song for? Is there any music fan in 2023 who would be excited to get wished a Merry Christmas by 76-year old Elton John? 

Finally, a Kelly Clarkson song about Rudolph playing in the Reindeer Games. Her forced cheer was grating, and both the instrumentation and melody made me think of better songs.

Look, I don’t mean to be a grinch. But modern commercial Christmas music is not made for anyone. It is music made by the most visible personalities to further their own brand. It offers no new insights or unique perspective on the holiday – not its traditions, family, or even religion. They do not conjure any nostalgia for a bygone era nor stage of life; they are brand new and unattached to any genuine emotion. The lyrics are a recycled blend of snow, trees, joy, Santa, bells, and angels. The music, designed to appeal to a hypothetical lowest-common denominator, is both blaring yet bland. And every year, creeping earlier and earlier through November and October, here it is: chirping out of speakers at stores, the radio, offices… “Be happy Rob” the chirp at me. BE HAPPY. Yet there is nothing about the message that spurs me to be so. In fact, it often makes me feel annoyed. 

Again, this music is made for no one, for no reason, save to feed into streaming playlists that people put on as they are putting on their shoes.

Just like any music in every sphere of life, there is good stuff made by talented, thoughtful artists; and there is bad stuff, made obligatory at best and condescendingly at worst. I just wish that Christmas, a time of such wonder and cheer, didn’t have so much of the bad stuff.